Love life

There are moments when I love life.

they are the memories

I bought two packets of tchai and I sent one in a post to Germany. Some people we never forget. Then I stopped at stationers. They didn t have cherry cigarettes, so I got cherry lollipops. And a glue. Then I walked home and laughed to myself. It was already evening, I could laugh to myself unnoticed. Went to Maggie's, gave her some tea for stomach, some for liver, some for intestines, some for head, some for immunity. She told me all about him, the guy who had many faces. And had nothing in the end. I walked to my parents house. There it was, in front of the house, his car, the car of the intruder. I don t mind, I don t live here anymore. But either you live here or you don t, I guess and you pay when you live somewhere. People say you don t know your brother when the heritage trial comes. It sometimes comes to me, I d love to get some money of them. But then we all need to get through. I will listen to her, she is so weak and sick. I say, I wanna die old. I wanna die tired of life. A young person always wants something, love, travel, kids, books, bicycles, achievements, mountains, India...
I will listen to her falling asleep, and how hard it is. The strange feeling of uncertainty is here. I find it hard to sleep next door. When she is there alone. And I am here alone. And we are falling asleep, each to her own sleep. And it seems we are so alone.
When I was falling asleep in the same room as Noelia, on the Island of Achill, I could feel the harmony of youth and sisterhood. We were the same.
When Christina comes home and I see her eyes gloomed with sadness. She doesn t need to tell me. I guess I know. I guess we are the same.
I could laugh to myself unnoticed. That evening. I could cry. Nobody would know. About that evening.
We all know the sadness, we all know the happiness. We all know the fear.
We all know the relativity.
Looking for closness and explaining it in different ways. Some use it to hurt people, some understand its higher sense.
The gipsy woman says I should get to the higher sense. It is time. And that evening when I might got crazy of laughing, I might just understood.

If you fall in love with a passer-by, you must know that he will not stay. You have to let go. This way love will stay forever uncovered and pure. And maybe even forgotten one day. Love will probably come to you from a direction you will not be looking for.
Though, I met a passer-by and it was hard to say good bye. What a feeling. To be letting go off someone whom we would like to know better. Whose company we enjoy.
he left a knowledge behind him, a knowledge of wise men and caring personality. A notion of hero and a survivor. I made him tea and listened. Like I did thousand times before. Sometimes woman only wants to be noticed as a woman.

When I´ll go to the graves today, I will not only see the colored leaves on the grey stones and on the pathwalks. I will not only walk and breathe. I will not only remember the past years. This time it will not be only about autumn. Maybe I have just grown up.

One day, when there is no coffee, lakes, sweedish language, bicycles and me. That day I will wish for something to stay here.

So many things we love and so many things we get depressed about.

Time goes on and sometimes it seams we don´t learn at all.

Reasons to leave, reasons to act, and reasons to resign.

So I am staying in this place that I was born in. I used to come back here from travels. Relaxing my mind in this quiet place and reflecting on what I´ve done and experienced. Because it has always been experiences, knowledge, a new energy I brought. This time, I am not sure, what I have brought with me. The first week in this place, I spent in bed. I was so sick that I couldn´t do anything, I couldn´t eat or go out. This is what I brought with me from my last travel. And then memories. Of competition, loneliness, cold weather, broken heart, hardship, bad sleep, discrimination. This was my feeling about the last foreign country I was in. I guess it is equal for all foreigners anywhere. Though, different people experience it differently. I took it from the wrong end. And so I suffered. And I still do suffer in my mind not sure how to change it rationaly.
I should say, my last travel was a life experience. Life is about going through experiences, learning, becoming an experienced person. And if we don´t learn from the experiences, and just let them go, we gain nothing. I say this and I repeat it thousand times, but I don´t seem to make it a reason, and to be happy about the past experiences. They are touching me personaly still, emotionaly wrapping me up, so I can´t see the reality, or I don´t want to see it.
Because all I see, is an empty place. I am not sick any more, and I can say just like thousand times before, there is nothing holding me back.
I don´t know why, but I want to come back to that place I hated for so long. I hated it. The complexity, the coldhartednes, the everlasting rain and wind, the jobs I did. But then I found lovely places, seasides, people, forests, dreams. And I miss it.
I have a good job now and I have my family here. I have no friends, no seaside, no dreams, no lovely places. If I will discover some of that here, I will have a reason to stay. Otherwise, I think I will leave again

Devil cuts loose

I am unwrapping. The closeness seems to be dangerous by every move towards him. Feels like unwrapping. Until there´s no more secrets and I get hurt easily.
He told me so many things about this. About being together. About money, hot water bottles, music and lovers. I didn’t listen until I experienced.. fading away. Relationships mellow out. I want to argue, love, cry and laugh. Without knowing if this can destroy us or not. I want everything or nothing. More I love, the more I loose. And I don´t mind loosing.
Sometimes, I keep quiet. Unwrapping until he feels happy. And so I am happy. With what we have. Without promises. Sometimes saying he´ll be here for Christmas is enough a promise.