Máya and I

Love life

2012-01-09T14:41:00.001-08:00

There are moments when I love life.

they are the memories

2012-01-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

I bought two packets of tchai and I sent one in a post to Germany. Some people we never forget. Then I stopped at stationers. They didn t have cherry cigarettes, so I got cherry lollipops. And a glue. Then I walked home and laughed to myself. It was already evening, I could laugh to myself unnoticed. Went to Maggie's, gave her some tea for stomach, some for liver, some for intestines, some for head, some for immunity. She told me all about him, the guy who had many faces. And had nothing in the end. I walked to my parents house. There it was, in front of the house, his car, the car of the intruder. I don t mind, I don t live here anymore. But either you live here or you don t, I guess and you pay when you live somewhere. People say you don t know your brother when the heritage trial comes. It sometimes comes to me, I d love to get some money of them. But then we all need to get through. I will listen to her, she is so weak and sick. I say, I wanna die old. I wanna die tired of life. A young person always wants something, love, travel, kids, books, bicycles, achievements, mountains, India...
I will listen to her falling asleep, and how hard it is. The strange feeling of uncertainty is here. I find it hard to sleep next door. When she is there alone. And I am here alone. And we are falling asleep, each to her own sleep. And it seems we are so alone.
When I was falling asleep in the same room as Noelia, on the Island of Achill, I could feel the harmony of youth and sisterhood. We were the same.
When Christina comes home and I see her eyes gloomed with sadness. She doesn t need to tell me. I guess I know. I guess we are the same.
I could laugh to myself unnoticed. That evening. I could cry. Nobody would know. About that evening.
We all know the sadness, we all know the happiness. We all know the fear.
We all know the relativity.
Looking for closness and explaining it in different ways. Some use it to hurt people, some understand its higher sense.
The gipsy woman says I should get to the higher sense. It is time. And that evening when I might got crazy of laughing, I might just understood.

2011-12-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

If you fall in love with a passer-by, you must know that he will not stay. You have to let go. This way love will stay forever uncovered and pure. And maybe even forgotten one day. Love will probably come to you from a direction you will not be looking for.
Though, I met a passer-by and it was hard to say good bye. What a feeling. To be letting go off someone whom we would like to know better. Whose company we enjoy.
he left a knowledge behind him, a knowledge of wise men and caring personality. A notion of hero and a survivor. I made him tea and listened. Like I did thousand times before. Sometimes woman only wants to be noticed as a woman.

2011-10-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

When I´ll go to the graves today, I will not only see the colored leaves on the grey stones and on the pathwalks. I will not only walk and breathe. I will not only remember the past years. This time it will not be only about autumn. Maybe I have just grown up.

2011-10-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

One day, when there is no coffee, lakes, sweedish language, bicycles and me. That day I will wish for something to stay here.

So many things we love and so many things we get depressed about.

Time goes on and sometimes it seams we don´t learn at all.

Reasons to leave, reasons to act, and reasons to resign.

2011-10-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

So I am staying in this place that I was born in. I used to come back here from travels. Relaxing my mind in this quiet place and reflecting on what I´ve done and experienced. Because it has always been experiences, knowledge, a new energy I brought. This time, I am not sure, what I have brought with me. The first week in this place, I spent in bed. I was so sick that I couldn´t do anything, I couldn´t eat or go out. This is what I brought with me from my last travel. And then memories. Of competition, loneliness, cold weather, broken heart, hardship, bad sleep, discrimination. This was my feeling about the last foreign country I was in. I guess it is equal for all foreigners anywhere. Though, different people experience it differently. I took it from the wrong end. And so I suffered. And I still do suffer in my mind not sure how to change it rationaly.
I should say, my last travel was a life experience. Life is about going through experiences, learning, becoming an experienced person. And if we don´t learn from the experiences, and just let them go, we gain nothing. I say this and I repeat it thousand times, but I don´t seem to make it a reason, and to be happy about the past experiences. They are touching me personaly still, emotionaly wrapping me up, so I can´t see the reality, or I don´t want to see it.
Because all I see, is an empty place. I am not sick any more, and I can say just like thousand times before, there is nothing holding me back.
I don´t know why, but I want to come back to that place I hated for so long. I hated it. The complexity, the coldhartednes, the everlasting rain and wind, the jobs I did. But then I found lovely places, seasides, people, forests, dreams. And I miss it.
I have a good job now and I have my family here. I have no friends, no seaside, no dreams, no lovely places. If I will discover some of that here, I will have a reason to stay. Otherwise, I think I will leave again

Devil cuts loose

2010-11-26T05:29:00.000-08:00

I am unwrapping. The closeness seems to be dangerous by every move towards him. Feels like unwrapping. Until there´s no more secrets and I get hurt easily.
He told me so many things about this. About being together. About money, hot water bottles, music and lovers. I didn’t listen until I experienced.. fading away. Relationships mellow out. I want to argue, love, cry and laugh. Without knowing if this can destroy us or not. I want everything or nothing. More I love, the more I loose. And I don´t mind loosing.
Sometimes, I keep quiet. Unwrapping until he feels happy. And so I am happy. With what we have. Without promises. Sometimes saying he´ll be here for Christmas is enough a promise.

O farbách

2010-11-13T05:19:00.000-08:00

Napísala som mu v krátkosti:

ďakujem za farby v šedivom Dubline
ďakujem za svetlo v noci
za zastavenie času bez povšimnutia
za smiech
za lepšie pocity v umrnčanom popoludní
za špeciálnu chuť Anglických párkov
za to, že tu si

Chcela by som piecť vianočné pečivo. Chcela by som mať pocit, že tu on bude, keď pečivo položím na stôl. Nie len keď o tom hovorí. Ale chcela by som si byť istá, že tu bude.

Dnes pôjdem do práce. A budem mať zlý pocit. Prácu o environmentálnom dopade kávovej produkcie mám takmer hotovú. Ale dnes predám stovky káv v papierových pohároch. Moja ekologická stopa bude nezvratná.

Mám v hlave oslobudzujúcu myšlienku. No ja chcem i nechcem odísť.

Život nie je romantický

2010-05-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

Šuchot vreca s odpadkami, buchot, hluk kompaktora, dupot hore schodmi, zaškrípanie dverí, šum vrava, mihanie ľudských schránok, šialený customer assistant Adam, pohľad von oknom, búchanie táciek, otváranie dverí... Tak by začal môj film. Alebo jedna jeho epizóda.

Posledná vec, ktorú som urobila bolo že som ju pobozkala na čelo, privrela dvere, nasadla do auta a nechala sa odviezť na letisko. V tom momente, kedy som opúšťala rodnú dedinu, a babku nechávala za chrbtom ... od bolesti ani ležať nedokázala poriadne ... možno mi aj napadlo že ju vidím poslednýkrát. Ona akoby s iným ani nerátala. Ale vzdialenosť a neprítomnosť nás robí neosobnými. Iba sem tam mi vyhŕknu slzy. To hlavne preto, ked si spomeniem kým všetkým pre mňa bola. A potom ma hluk mesta pohltí a ja zabudnem. Na chvíľu sa smejem.

A potom kráčam domov. A pýtam sa, čo by asi chcela. Čo by si asi ona želala. Keď som odchádzala, poďakovala mi.. ale to čo som ja pre ňu urobila bolo ničím v porovnaní s tým čo mi ona dala do života. A teraz zrazu cítim ako odchádza, cítim to aj na diaľku. A čím ďalej je od sveta, tým bližšie je ku mne. A ja hoci o mnohých veciach pochybujem, dokážem uveriť, že bude so mnou i naďalej.

A keď som sama, opäť ju vidím ako silnú ženu, jednoduchú, s radosťou ktorú mávala z ťažko vykonanej práce, s úsmevom a láskou ktorú dávala vnúčatám. S výčitkou, že ani na pohreb neostanem...

Keby aspoň netrpela a ja by som sa mohla spýtať: Čo by vlastne chcela, čo by si želala.

Vzdala by som sa všetkého, len aby som mohla začať odznova a správne.

Život vlastne vôbec nie je romantický, ale bez snov a zázrakov sa prežiť nedá.

o nesúlade

2010-03-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

"If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed."

Pozri na toho uja pod sochou. Ukázal Michal cez okno na ulicu. Je to blázon. Niekedy si ľahne na zem, inokedy spieva tu dole. He is crazy.

Pozrela som sa na starca v žltom kabáte. Sedel v daždi pod hlavnou sochou na O Connell Bridge a fajčil cigaretu. Šedivé vlasy mu viali na všetky strany a jeho pohľad bez určitého bodu .. sa strácal v zemi.

V Dubline pršalo. Celé ráno a celé popoludnie. Obloha ostávala zaťato olovená. Voda špliechala spod kolies hlučných autobusov. O Connell ulica vyzerala ako zrýchlený film.

Ťažko sa mi pracovalo. Bolelo ma azda všetko, a tak som iba pravidelne sledovala hodiny na budove Heinekenu. Sem tam mi pohľad padol na sochu. Uvidela som ako sa starec chytil železného zábradlia pri bicykloch a vracal. Utierala som tácky. Starec vracal, dážď neprestával.

Nestresuj, povedala mi Heloise ako asi tisíc ľudí pred tým. C´est pour ca que t´es malade tout le temps. Enjoy! V autobuse som sa pokúsila pravidelne dýchať. Nešlo to. Skúsila som sledovať svoje zuby, aby som ich nezatínala. Sledovala som svoje oči, pery. Skúšala som uvoľniť mimiku tváre.

Zohla som hlavu. Skúšala som cítiť tú dosku, ktorú vraj podľa Števa mám v krku. Bola tam. Úspešne oddeľovala moje srdce od rozumu.

Skúšam si nezvyknúť na ľudí. Na miesto. A s tým sa i moje telo bráni a dusí to autentické, čo kedy vo mne bolo.

baví ma hrať sa na porazeného

aj keď to tak možno nie je, hlava je už o tom presvedčená

Who can hear my mind

2009-03-08T04:37:00.001-07:00

It is funny how things get spoild with time. It hurts to see the faith fade away. ... waiting gets silly. Waiting for that feeling. Trying to find other things, other people, other space, other being. There will however be that guest ... for someone who can hear your mind.

Feeling grey

2009-03-07T08:24:00.001-08:00

The cigarette smoke rises high entering spheres of unconsciousness. Feeling grey. As the emptiness in the sky, now and then crossed by ravens lost. I feel them crossing the reflection of my eyes. No words, no colours no nothing. No purpose.
Grey soul needs a simple purpose.

Forgiveness

2009-03-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

When you are sad because you are unable to say you are sorry...then you love.

Nobody knows, in the silence of cold air. Nobody accepts your silent confessions. Nobody knows.

When you forgive, you love.

Silence is also forgiveness.

I wanna learn the silence, because I forgot to speak.

Alive (Emily Loizeau)

2009-03-06T03:56:00.000-08:00

In each little thing I do
I can find a piece of you
In each twist of time
In each twist of mind
That I find to think of you
I'm alive
It's so strange to be alive
When I go to sleep at night
And I'm scared and there's no light
And I know one day
I'll be in my grave
When I think that I'll lose you
I'm alive
It's so strange to be alive
Could we stay aroud
Like a big blue sea
That has been around
For some billions centuries'
Cause I think I could do
With a trip with you
On The Big Blue Sea
For some billions centuries
It might take me two thousand years
Not to sing this song in tears'
Cause I feel so small
In this big black hole
And you're the one that makes me feel
I'm alive
It's so strange to be alive
Could we stay around
Like a big blue sea
That has been around
For some billions centuries'
Cause I think I could do
With a trip with you
On The Big Blue Sea
For some billions centuries
But her daddy now is dead
And she wishes that she'd said
All these loving words'
Cause they only hurt
Now she knows that it's too late
And she's alive
It's so strange to be alive
Could we stay aroud
Like a big blue sea
That has been around
For some billions centuries'
Cause I think I could do
With a trip with you
On The Big Blue Sea
For some billions centuries

The Soulmate

2009-03-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

And I read: " There was no one around... at such a time you felt the need of commiting yourself to something absolute - life or truth or beauty - of being ruled by it in place of man-made rules... You needed to surrender to some such ultimate purpose."

That is when I understood, that I, as a person, am complete and I do not need anybody. It happens so naturally that there is no need to try to change the flow of the river.

And if you ask yourself then: Who are you? What are you looking for? you find newness again.

I, as a complete person, am not looking for anybody to fill an empty space, for there is no such empty space in me. There is just a need to reflect oneself in another human being.

You are searching for your soulmate, and it is the ultimate answer for now.

If you are a wanderer, you are not looking for somebody to enclose you in a cage. If you are a solitare, you are not looking for somebody to make you live your life more social-like and vice versa. An outgoing person does not need somebody to make him sit and ponder. No. Everybody needs the reflection of one´s own soul.

The healing power is when the same powers join.

And the ultimate purpose is to live without empty spaces.

The "Fly out"

2009-03-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

I like the Slovak translation of the word trip. Literarilly, we call it "the fly-out".

- - -

Everytime I fly out, I feel being in the right place. It feels as if your home was the road, the continuous change and the growing knowledge. It is as an addiction. In the end, it leaves you without power, but the inner feeling is great. This is what I call it - the fly out.

- - -

This is what I call the passion of vagabond.

Like a river

2009-03-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

It happens in a life, that you are forced to think. It happened to me twice. First time, it was when I came back from Erasmus stay in France. I looked at my home, my village and my hometown and I saw what I had never seen before. It is hard to describe and determin what exactelly happens to your eyes. There is a sudden change, a shift in seeing. Life is like a river, I can hear them say it, and I believe it, coz I know it as a river. And I like it, yes I like it.

The second time I was forced to stop and look, it was when I was seriously ill. It was when I came home from my Berlin trip. I felt terrible. I couldn´t move, I thought of all the things I love to do and see, all the things that make me love the world.

It is after you get sane again, that you say to yourself how wanderful it is to live. You no more want to die. Some people say, it would be better to be dead. Yes, I told myself the same, lying in bed with my joints all in fever. But then, I got better and I knew that there is certain time, once in a century, that belongs to me and I need to seise it, to praise it and to fulfill it with sence.

And I know, that now and then, it is time to stop and think. To look at it all and admit the change, because that is it - the life.